Musings From 2011: Dream Lofty Dreams

This is a collection of my words, thoughts, memories, and prayers from 2011. These words are directly copied onto this blog from their written state on various scraps of paper, torn napkins, and tousled index cards that I keep neatly paper clipped together and stored away.  Even though these words are not written delicately in a bound journal or were transmitted directly from my head onto a blog page-- these words are written from the depths on my mind and soul, which is why I keep them instead of tossing them out to the trash with other seemingly useless scraps of paper. When God speaks, or when my inner soul needs to spill out someplace beyond my head-- a journal or Blogger.com is not always handy.  Sometimes I have to make do with the closest empty space of paper around me, and I write as neatly as my shaky hand will allow until it evolves into an illegible scribble reflecting the musings of my mind.  I have compiled many of these musings into typed form and here they are-- a peak into the thoughts that are compelled to leave my head.

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I felt like I was in an ocean while soaking.  I imagined myself in a huge amount of piercing blue water, and I was going up and down through it.  I didn't need to come up for air.  It was as if I was dancing under water to the music of God's movement.

When Jessica and I went to a coffee shop to do schoolwork, we talked about so many things: God, relationships, scripture, our thoughts on questions for lifegroup themes.  We were sitting near other people, and we talked so freely about God.  It was so natural and real.  I look back on this memory and look at is as so beautiful.  God was such a part of our hearts that we could talk about Him so freely, and He interconnected with everything else in our lives.  We weren't planning for lifegroup or planning to open a bible.  But we both sat there at that small coffee shop table with our bibles out, rustling through the pages, searching for answers.  Our hearts were truly wrapped in God.

Enjoy nature. Be flexible. Enjoy music. Enjoy where you are. Tea. Be here. Be organized. Elton John. Be in tune. Be clean. Write/Read/Feel. Be on time. Be free. Be real. Observe. Don't be so aware of yourself. Don't be aware of where others are in relation to you. Use less technology. Technology fogs the real world. Be here. Enjoy here. Talk. Sit. Run. Ride. Stay awake. Sleep. Dream lofty dreams. 

I have become more organized.  My handwriting has become more legible.  I have left a life in the dark and made it an open book.  I am working on breaking free of that other life.  I realize the importance of documenting my life into writing.

Father, I pray that student teaching is a way to reveal more about myself and my future in you God.  I pray to be in tune with you. 

Sitting in Griffin.
After morning devo, before Geography.
Reminds me of when I was in Greece.
When we would just choose somewhere to go sit and wait to the opportunity to talk to people.
Why don't I do this here?

Note to Self: You lose things in accordion folders. 

I love my lifegroup.  In our last lifegroup, we didn't start until an hour in because we were too busy talking.  It was a small group; only 5 of us.  And we talked about life and ourselves before opening up a bible.  Once we did, it was so natural.  It was as if we were intertwining it with the rest of our lives.  That's how it should be.  God should be so connected in our lives that it's not separate from anything else or forced. 

I once said to someone that I didn't want my family to get attached to a person who I wasn't going to marry.  I was asked by that person to repeat my statement, and I did, and they said it was "good stuff."  I don't even remember the exact wording of my sentence, but it was then that I realized my words had meaning.

At my house.
Cozy with blankets.
Making coffee.
My hair pulled back into a soft bun in the back of my head.
Reading a book about story.
Home from college on a weekend.
My dad watching The Godfather.
My contacts are dry from sleeping.

Fear of Summer

Summer and I have been at odds with each other for as long as I can remember. 

When I think of summer, I think of fear.

I fear the change of pace.
I fear the detachment of others.
I fear people leaving.
I fear a lack of hectic schedules.
I fear feeling bored.
I fear feeling alone.
I fear unproductivity.  
I fear being distracted from God.
I fear the heat.

Beaches and oceans and seashells and swimsuits and beach bags and palm trees
do not come with fond memories for me.

Summer and I have been at odds with each other for as long as I can remember. 
I have found no soul who shares in my discomfort.
I am a lone wolf and rare seed.

A Breath of Fresh Air

I have always been a doodler.  I am also a daydreamer, which goes hand in hand with the doodling.  I decorate those dull, lined sheets of loose leaf with the dark strokes of a black pen to pass the time of endless lectures and constant droning of teachers.

I have several repetitive doodles that I often resort to, including a rocket ship, race car, dinosaur, Abraham Lincoln, a girl holding a balloon, birds, etc. I also resort to random designs; abstract lines and shapes. There is no meaning behind them other than than attempting to adorn my lifeless lecture notes with something more whimsical and lively. There is another doodle that I resort to often, and it is a tree.  My trees are never anything unique or different, they rarely even come with branches or grass bordering the bottom of the trunk. Just a plain and simple tree. 

Recently during a class, I felt unfulfilled in the the drawings that I was doodling. I don't quite remember what I was doodling, I think it might have been the back of a girl's shirt, but nevertheless, I felt no purpose in my drawings. Then I drew a tree.

The Lord revealed to me something through my tree.  I found purpose in that tree.  I breathed a breath of fresh air.  This tree represented a new life.  It represented growth.  It represented strength and stability.  A tree is a symbol of new life with our Creator.  When doodling a dinosaur, it is silly and effortless.  When doodling a tree, I am encouraged.  I am giving myself a reminder of the new life God gives us every day.  The tree was not an ordinary doodle: it was a symbol of encouragement. 

I love the way God works.  I love that He can speak to me through a doodle. There are no bounds in the ways that the Lord moves and reveals things to us. This encouraged me to truly walk in the Lord's presence at all times, and constantly allow the small things to remind me of His truth and goodness.  He is everywhere and in everything. 

Encouragement, or the lack of.

Lately, I have been overwhelmingly disappointed in the lack of encouragement that goes on around me.  In the circle of people that I am around most of the time, the dominant form of casual communication usually comes in sarcasm.  Sarcasm is a poison that can destroy people.  It can destroy both the giver and the person receiving it.  When a person starts to hand out sarcasm on a regular basis, this becomes a norm for you.  You forget how to communicate with people normally or positively.  It becomes a switch of gears to speak positively and to speak life.  The receiver also learns (subconsciously) to take sarcasm as a norm.  You will begin to expect this behavior from others, and you settle for communicating this way, and in turn will probably start to give it out yourself. 

I have gone of several different fasts in the past couple of years, consisting of a Daniel fast, media fast, caffeine fast, meat fast, etc. Every time I have ever gone on a fast, it NEVER FAILS that I receive discouragement from friends during the fast, and even discouragement to not go on the fast at all.  I have been discouraged to not do a meat or Daniel fast because, "you can't eat normally with people."  I have been discouraged to not go on a caffeine fast because, "How will you be able to stay awake to get your schoolwork done, Allison?"  In addition to being discouraged to not go on the fast at all, friends are discouraging during the fast, stating that "that sucks", "I feel sorry for you", "I can't believe you're doing that", etc. Some people even like to taunt and tempt you with the things that you are giving up.

This behavior to me, especially from my community in the body of Christ, is absolutely ridiculous.  This week at TNL is made me really excited to hear Eric challenge everyone to be encouraging, and to take up the habit of affirming others. I have already seen many people accept this challenge, take it to heart, and begin the journey of uplifting others!  I'm very excited to see more of this, and I am praying that the spirit of discouragement and sarcasm will be rebuked and we will see no more of it.

Goals for 2012!

I have taken quite a lengthy hiatus from blogging, but Miss Jessica Mahoney recently inspired me to write a new one after reading through her blog, and shortly after I decided to write a new blog, I read Bri Blakney’s blog on her New Years Resolutions, which inspired me to share mine!  So thank you ladies for inspiring me to share! :)

So here it goes…. My New Years Resolutions for 2012! (I actually prefer the word “goals” but for sake of staying with the trend, I’ll stick with resolutions)

1.    Become more interested in sports. 

The first resolution I decided on this year was to become more interested in sports.  I have always had a lot of school spirit when it comes to sports, but it was more about my love for my school, and less of the fact that I loved the games.  I did love the games, but for different reasons than the normal sports fan.  I love the community that sports bring to people.  I love the hype, I love the food, I love the spirit, and I love the way it can bring people together.  But something that I seriously lacked was a love for the game itself.  I had no idea bout rules, stats, scores, players, etc. when it comes to any sport.  So, my plan for the new year is to actually watch games, keep up with the scores, understand rules, learn players names, learn about the significance of the games, etc.  I don’t have any particular sport in mind because I want to become more knowledgeable about them all, and I guess I will learn as the seasons come.  Now, it is football season, and I have already sat in front of the TV and watched two football games in full, which is more than I can say I’ve done in my entire life.  And both experiences were successful!  I plan to watch many more games and learn a lot along the way!

2.    Document at least one thing that I am thankful for in my journal each day. 

I made this resolution a little before the year started, and I went ahead and started early because I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything.  I am currently on Day 18 of documenting what I am thankful for each day.  This was a good resolution for me because it forces me to pull something good out what is going on in my life, no matter how bad, unproductive, or awful   may think life is going.  It is also good because it keeps me in the habit of journaling consistently.  It is a non-intimidating goal to make journaling-wise, because even if I am tired, not in the writing mood, etc., all I have to do it scribble down one thing I am thankful for, a brief description of why, and be done!  Depending on how I am feeling that day, I will either stop at the brief description, or I will expand on why I am so thankful, which leads into me journaling about all other aspects of life, which is something I love about journaling.

3.  Have constant openness about God to others

After SALT this year, I found myself asking people what they learned in the classes that they chose to go to.  After listening to several people share with me what they learned in their classes, and also myself sharing what I learned in the classes I went to, I found myself so excited about the things that all of us were learning!  I was so excited to listen, share, and apply all of these things to my life.  After SALT, I decided that I was going to start asking people more about what God was showing them lately in daily life, and also make it a point to share with others what God is doing in my life.  God is always moving, and He should always be opening our eyes to new things, whether it is because of a TNL, lifegroup, church message, a blog, a book, a song, a friend, His Word, the Holy Spirit, nature, a movie, or quite anything!  I want to be able to bring up God ALL THE TIME, and be able to ask my friends what God is doing in them.  I have been learning so much lately and I want to always be learning from others.  I also want to get into the habit of talking about God with non-believers or just people in passing, even if I’m not sure if they are a Christian or not.  But since I am a Christian, talking about God and sharing what He is doing in my life should be so normal, it should be like bringing up the weather, because He is such a deep part of me that I can’t NOT talk about Him. 

4.    Become closer friends with people I am not already close with.

At SALT this year, I learned about myself that I am very uncomfortable with people being comfortable in their small circle of friends.  I found myself getting hurt, and even depressed, that people were not willing to break out of the groups and hang out with each other.  I decided that I did not want to be a part of this.  My goal this year is to broaden my circle of which I spend time with.  I don’t want to become comfortable with the friends that I already have, and the people that I am used to being around.  God made all of us, and we are all his children.  I have so many brothers and sisters in Christ that I don’t even talk to, and that breaks my heart.  I don’t want that.  I want to share life with all of my brothers and sisters, and learn about them.  I want to share life, listen to them, learn about them, share with them, talk about God, talk about growing, talk about learning, and all of that.  I truly want to live life with the people that God has created.  And I don’t want to limit that to the people that I have already grown to know and love, because I know there are so many MORE opportunities to grow to know and love people, and that is a beautiful thing.  

I am so excited for the new year, and for the things that God is going to show me and the people around me!

Never draw inside the lines.

In a conversation once with a friend, I blurted out how smart I thought my dad was, and how I wanted to be like him.  My friend inquired about what I meant, and I responded by telling him about my father, and the qualities that he has that make me admire him and aspire to be like him.  My dad is a very hard worker.  There is not a lazy bone in him.  The only time I have ever seen my dad sitting or lying down are times when he is resting.  Resting, not being lazy.  He is also very knowledgeable about everything across the board.  And if he is not knowledgeable about something and the concept grows to be something he might need to know, he will find sources to read and learn all about it until there is nothing he doesn't know about the subject.  I always feel confident when asking my dad a question that he will know the answer.

My dad is also a dreamer and a provider.  My mom said once that my dad had "vision".  That word always stuck with me since she said it, and looking back on my years growing up, it's very clear that my dad always had vision.  He is a business man and he runs all of his own businesses.  He was always dreaming and envisioning ideas of more things he could start up to accumulate more income for our family.  His dreaming and his provision went hand in hand.

Over the past (long) weekend, Jess and I flew up to Wyoming to visit Matt Huck.  Throughout our visit, Jess and I were constantly discovering how knowledgeable Matt is.  He taught us all about the economy of Wyoming and how it compares to Louisiana and other states; he taught us all about the effects of high altitude and how high and low altitudes affect your body and also the functions of everyday things.  We were always learning and he never made us feel stupid for not knowing these things.

We were also impressed with the vast tools, equipment, and supplies that Matt had invested in for camping and hiking.  Matt is a lover of nature and also adventure.  As a product of his hard work, he is able to invest in awesome-quality supplies to fulfill his backpacking and camping needs.  Matt is also very knowledgeable about all thing camping and backpacking related.  Every purchase he makes towards camping is wise and ensures his safety, all the while allows him to do all the high-risk adventuring he wants.

These are two people in my life that have my utmost admiration and respect, and both are due to their hard work and the way they are so learned about important things.  They both also have this certain spark, whether it's dreaming, envisioning, or adventuring.  The qualities that I admire in both of these people caused me to think about other things, like how I should surround myself with more people who possess these qualities, or how I should strive to have these qualities myself. 

No purpose to play.

I hate attention when it comes to music.  I really don’t prefer to be the center of attention in general, but especially pertaining to music.

While getting dressed this morning, my goal was to just throw something on to get out of the house as quickly as possible.  I sifted through some t-shirts and pulled out an old band t-shirt from probably my freshman or sophomore year of high school.  After putting it on, I began to reminisce about high school band and how much I enjoyed it.  I often get a surprised reaction when people find out I was in band in high school.  I was involved in band from the 6^th grade until my junior year.  My senior year, I just felt like I wasn’t supposed to be a part of the band anymore, so I stepped out of it.  This choice wasn’t easy.  During football season, I would still go to the games and sit in the stands with the band, and cry every time they went out onto the field at halftime.  Even though I wasn’t a part anymore, I was still so proud of them and I still loved everything about my experience in band.

I know God had planned for me not to be in band my senior year.  During this time, my time was more focused on piano (outside of band).  I had been in lessons since I was 7, and all my teachers always pushed me to go to competitions and festivals, etc.

My experience in performing music was never for leisure or just to play.  In band, I was always in a group so my clarinet was heard as part of the whole sound.  You couldn’t distinguish what I was playing from anyone else.  And also, I never played my clarinet outside of band performances or practice.  It wasn’t something fun for me to do just on my own.  In piano, I was always practicing for competitions, or just practicing to try to get to the next level of books.  My experience in playing the piano was really never for leisure or fun either.  Every once in a while I would come across a song or sheet music that I wanted to learn just to be able to play it, but I always had so many other things to learn that it seemed like a waste of time to learn something just for “fun”. 

I never had any trouble playing the piano in front of a set of judges or in front of a congregation at church.  But something that always bothered me was playing in front of friends or family or a small group of people.  When there was a piano in the room and people knew that I played, they would beg me to play something. “Just play something! Anything! It doesn’t matter, we just want to hear you play!”  I always refused.  I still will refuse.  Playing music without purpose or “just for fun” is something that is kind of lost to me.  It makes sense in my head to play for a football game, or for a competition, or for worship.  But playing just to play is hard for me to wrap my mind around, and makes me really uncomfortable. 

I have barely touched a piano since I was on the worship team at XA my sophomore year.  With no purpose to play, I just don’t play.  It is a complete shame that my musical life is so dry after so many years of investment in music.  I don’t know if I will ever have a change of mind in how I feel about performing, or if there will ever be opportunity again for purpose to play.  I have prayed for a long time that my musicality will not go to waste, and I’m still waiting for God to reveal more to me about that.